in and out and in again

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 18:20:27 GMT

I think I will let this journal die now.

Media Media Me dium edia. ams,.......

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 21:24:09 GMT

I'm am soooooo caffeinated

lol

so...where to start? I've become obsessed with over-preparing for college. But the funny thing is that I only do what I like to - lots of language, reading writing, no math or science. I really should work on the math since I quit after Precalc and won't remember much. I think maybe I'll just take some easy classes to get the math credits out of the way.

So far this summer I'm through Joy Luck Club, The Sorrows of Young Werther, then The Double and then Brave New World and now I'm onto Catch 22. It's hard to read... scratch that, it seems hard fo me to want to read, and I don't know why. Maybe I'll drop it and pick up As I Lay Dying again. After that Portrait of a Young Artist and Dubliners, and I remember which ones I was really excited about so nevermind

The Denver Public Library is Heaven. I picked up some Baudelaire in French and I'm beginning to do translations. Maybe I'll post something. It's good practice for me, but when you can read the French and compare it to the English you realize that the translation kills something.

Good God. I had my normal-sized Espresso at 10:00 am today, but today I had been going several days without caffeine and had it on an empty stomach, and it's 3:20 and I still haven't come down.

I've started some Bartok and Satie and a Chopin Noctourne (sorry if that's spelled wrong lol) on piano, and had been working on a Prokofiev before I realized that the entire composition is nauseatingly childish. I wonder what I'd think of his other stuff.

I've been thinking that photography might be a better medium for me than painting and so I want still a camera-for-artsy-purposes. I need to save my money. That darned Damien Rice ticket cost me a large portion of this week's paycheck - $60!!! Not to mention I'm scheduled to work during the concert and still need to find out if I can change that. Oh, the irony... they're non-refundable.

I might need to check out "I Art" and "Ed Wood" if I can find them. Haven't heard much about either of them but they could be supremely awesome. The Sea is too creepy to enjoy, don't see it. Un Homme et une Femme - A Man and a Woman - was that the name? - there was something really special about it. Yeah. Hannah and Allison liked Wit. cool.

Oh and I'm so excited for Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and Lady in the Water. I've probably already complained to everybody about this, but they're the first movies out I've wanted to see since Pride and Prejudice.

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 16:14:41 GMT

The live recording of Rice's "All Dressed Up" is so beautiful that I feel compelled to turn it off. It is a more accurate depiction of a broken heart than I've seen in real life; the emotion is so honest, so raw, so naked and free of the fuzzy confusion of conscious thought... this is sacred to me. I cannot think, I cannot breathe, and I cannot cry but only feel my eyes pucker. I could never break a heart again.

A suitcase carelessly packed
Rested at the bed end, the frozen silence
of a worried child

He sat on the bed side
and fidgeted with a rosary,
Hunched and cowering

Regret filled his eyes -

How can I let it go when you still don’t know?

Tormented sighs filled the unbearable silence
And his shoulders trembled

_______The wine had been cheap, the table small
_______And the toast weakly raised,
_______"Darling, here’s to you and your..."

___I’ve got years...

but the train would not wait, and standing toward the door
of that pale yellow Georgia room
he prepared to leave again

Pretend the underscores are spacing. *exasperated sigh* lol

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 23:52:34 GMT

My dreams have been bad. And weird. And spiritually charged.

This morning I dreamt that there were fires. It was just about everywhere... little ones that could grow very quickly and easily in fields of dry grass, all around my house for miles. It was dusk and it was hard to see things.
I remember where I was - just off the ward exit of I70, where that lake was wasn't burning. I lay beside the lake and looked up and two birds were hovering above me. Now some of you might remember how I say that I see 2-7, 5-7, and 2-5-7 everywhere. Somehow I thought that with the birds there was already 2 and 5, and if I cupped my hands in the shape of a 7 and lifted them the birds would come toward me. They did, instantly, and in my right hand I held one by the chest and in the left were the other's feet. I remember thinking this was an act of God.
I had to get home - I don't remember if I just wanted to find my parents or pack some stuff before I fled the city. I remember that once I finally got home I had to convince my parents to leave - actually, I remember the conversation going something like
We have to get out of here
Mom: The fires aren't that bad yet
But once they do flare up the streets will be too clogged to get out in time, we'll burn alive
and when my step dad looked upset he'd have to go with me alone, I reached up and pulled the mustache that doesn't exist in anger. And we left, I'd packed nothing, to look for a car we could get in (the streets were packed), and he was too proud to ask for a ride.

The night before yester (lol ouch) I had a dream I don't remember until the point that everyone broke the railing to this bridge and jumped in the lake to swim to the other side, and when I finally did I hit my head on something and blacked out.

Does anyone else get kooky on the night of full moons? I need to investigate this.

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 05:16:10 GMT

Brice left early this morning (we delayed one day :). I already miss him quite badly.

It was during this trip that I began to see just how deep his patience, generosity, and kindness run. He is so good to me.

The only other relationship I've had last this long died with time; and while I was expecting something similar to happen, Brice and I seem to get stronger and happier as we go on.

I love you and I miss you!

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 05:16:59 GMT

rainman

the afternoon was cool -
the tile - cold as
my hands -
gripped - the surface -

the rain - knocked -
its knuckles - ag
ainst the glass door -
stubbornly

my breath felt -
warmer - than usual and -
in your eyes I
- froze – your -

thumb
pressed into my –
palm and i – could have drowned –
in you -

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 05:10:09 GMT

I don't care who y'are.
Everyone who doesn't plan on reading all of The Joy Luck Club must at least pick it up to read "The Voice from the Wall." (short story)
I just about peed my pants.
Seriously, though... I got dizzy.

Tue, 30 May 2006 04:53:19 GMT

Tell six things about yourself and then tag six others.

1) I don't like loud noises. Natural ones like thunder are awesome, but beside that I'm very un-noise-...likey.

2) I have this freckle, dark brown, and just big enough to be noticed, smack-dab on the middle of my back. It's really cute. It's probably my favorite body part lol.

3) I hope I can be one tenth of my Grandma. I am so amazed at what she has accomplished and the way she continues to live in her 80's.

4) Multiple crushes can seriously tear a girl up.

5) I care about God and my relationship with Him more than I think shows. And it almost worries me that maybe it should be showing in my life more.

6) uhhh..err.....I like French classical music.

Ben, Manda, Mallory, Kasey, Janny, Raisa. Brice if he wants to.

Delaid

Here lies
gone tries to tidy up the cupboard
old brooms huddled and hupboard
straw made of steel

Dying here
the windclock here a little stone chilly
the old grain mill alone and lonely
to grind minds of steel

Lies dying
old men still visiting
stone graves left reliving
in dusty dresses of blood-grey attic

Here lies dying
the stage trap door or
steel still left unreal
lying on the floor, your
ceiling, your
Dear dies lying

I wish I knew myself. At all.

Fri, 26 May 2006 02:04:50 GMT

http://www.colorado.edu/chancellor/chancellorslrap/si.html

does that sound like something I'd do well with? I have been discovering that I'm more humanitarian than I ever knew, but this might be jumping too far too fast. The class sizes (under 25!) sound great though. Please let me know what you think.

Wed, 17 May 2006 01:57:15 GMT

Before you sipped, you’d always look
Your yellow gold
Cupped in crystal hands
Like your own little aquarium,
And you forgot to remember me
Left somewhere around the nurse sharks...

Nowadays as the breeze
Drives me forward with me,
I never forget to notice
The way the sunlight permeates the trees,
Like the river through my bathing suit...
And the red light before my right turn
Will slow to a stop.

-----------------------------

If anyone could reassure me that the literal meaning is salvagable they would get an extra slice of Emily-luvvin. Hypothetically.

my first class tomorrow is at 1:15, Suckers.

Sat, 06 May 2006 16:54:17 GMT

*yawn* so nice to have a day in which nothing needs to be done so demandingly...

******* The Analysis Starts Here *******

Emily has a very unusual lower zone y loop. If the data input is correct, Emily's y or g is large and opens up to the left side of the page. This is not a common trait, but the implications are very interesting. As you begin to study handwriting analysis, you will learn any loop indicates imagination. This lower loop indicates the amount of imagination Emily has regarding sex and physical things. So, her lower zone stroke is large, so her sexual imagination is large and open. Furthermore, because the loop is incomplete and extends to the left, this indicates a particular fascination with certain aspects of sexuality that have not been fulfilled, yet. In a nutshell, Emily is open to some very new ideas sexually and is willing to try anything once.

Emily is constantly disappointed when trying to reach success. She works very hard, perhaps harder than most, then just before succeeding, something happens that keeps her from success. Often, Emily changes to a second project just before the first one is finished, thus failing to complete the first project. Sometimes she changes because she feels she needs a different challenge. Emily feels dejected. This feeling relates to her failures. This trait is very important in a working situation and in a relationship. She must be handled in a very special way to get the most work from her or to make a relationship last. Concerning this trait, personality modification is available to change her life.

Emily is very selective when choosing her inner circle of friends. She excludes all but a few from her fellowship. She limits her intimate friends to one or maybe two people. She tends not to trust the masses of people but chooses only a few to trust.

Something is incomplete in Emily's life. She feels frustration relating to her physical needs and desires. Somewhere in her life there is some disappointment, non-fulfillment, and interruption. This is very likely to relate to Emily's sexual needs.

Emily is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Emily is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Emily basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

In reference to Emily's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Emily slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project. She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Emily can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Emily is not facing something going on in her life today. She is deceiving herself about it. Often, Emily's opinion of herself is different than those around her. This trait gives Emily the ability to deny anything that does not agree with her "truth." This trait is not always something negative. It is only a defense mechanism allowing Emily not to face some reality in her life at this time.

Emily will demand respect and will expect others to treat her with honor and dignity. Emily believes in her ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. She has a lot of pride.

Emily is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes. Emily will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Emily an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other. When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Emily is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Emily is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Emily doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.
ehn...

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Generated on Sat May 6 09:42:33 2006.
Your Existing Situation
Acts in an orderly, methodical, and self-contained manner. Needs the sympathetic understanding of someone who will give her recognition and approval.

Your Stress Sources
The situation is regarded as threatening or dangerous. Outraged by the thought that she will be unable to achieve her goals and distressed at the feeling of helplessness to remedy this. Over-extended and feels beset, possibly to the point of nervous prostration.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Conditions are such that she will not let herself become intimately involved without making mental reservations.

Your Desired Objective
Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.

Your Actual Problem
Agitation, unpredictability, and irritation accompanying depleted vitality and intolerance of further demands have all placed her in a position in which she feels menaced by her circumstances. Feeling powerless to remedy this by any action of her own, she is desperately hoping that some solution will provide a way of escape.

So except for the first one (HAHAHA), not bad. I think my results are a bit skewed because my computer is so slow and allowed for "I think that one next...no, maybe that one" between choosies.

Lalala.....
I thought I was loosing interest in poetry/writing because the stuff that used to amuse me is no longer that fascinating...but I think my taste is just maturing. So thas goot. :)

ugh, my attempt at remodeling my myspace just died a miserable death. Oh well, not worth the trouble.

Did you SEE the fog slip off the mountain's shoulders yesterday evening? Wow...two big thumbs up, Jesus! 8D hahaha

Oh, and my graduation party (combined with Ben's and Sarah Anderson's) is going to be on the 21st, a Sunday from 5-8, at the Butterfly Pavilion. It'll be mostly informal, so yeah, and feel free to show up and leave whenever. :)

long one.

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 19:51:53 GMT

First of all, a widdle riddle:

A father and his son are in a car accident. The father dies, and the little boy is seriously hurt. They rush him to the hospital, where he goes into surgery.
The surgeon says, "I cannot operate on this boy; he is my son."

How is this possible?

The surgeon was his mom.

I couldn't get it...

I don't really know where to start. First of all that the weirdness of it exists: there is something in a person or not that makes them a Musican (artist...but I'll stick to musician) or Not.
what the hell is this?! As I've gotten older and (frankly...) heard more and more Advanced-Nots playing I've started forgetting what it is... it's so intangible to begin with.
Sometimes it seems that it's more noticable in the person than when they actually play. Sometimes I think that there's a certain sort of presence or (dare I say it? ;) aura that gives it away... I seriously think I can feel this with a lot of people. Brice has it...Kasey too. Kurtis even has it. Philip, Margot, Mathieu, Jake, Tucker has tons of it. Lots of people I know.
Anyway, that's a digression.
When they play... the difference is... along the lines of a Person with an Instrument in your company. When Nots play it sounds like they're trying to be a recording and all of a sudden there's a wall between the performers and myself. That's the best I can say it.
What really pisses me off is when the musical world becomes so filled with people that don't have it that the best technical people are at the top - and a Not might say "well really you need some musicallity to get by too" but no - technicality includes learning to fake musicality.
That's what really gets to me. Becoming "good at" dynamics, "interpretation," blah blah so much that they almost sound like they have it - but they don't: it's like ...painting enough gold and putting enough crosses in a room and saying "look, it's the House of God!" when He doesn't show up. And yes, it is a spiritual thing.
*sigh*
In a perfect world the Nots would stick where they belong and the musicians would practice technically enough so that the Nots couldn't give them a run for their money; but when I look at it, the true musicians often seem to be the ones having the hardest time getting their instruments out, even though when they do they Love it.

does anybody agree with me? It'd be such a relief to know I'm not crazy with arrogance.

my snow cone was melting in its cup
a little, pressured by the clouds that melted
up above so high

hair stuck to my face
while I watched everybody rush inside, the coat store
the Christmas store, onto the porch

the wooden sign swung back and forth,
as if to sweep me away from its door
or point me in the right direction

from the side the damp wind
brushed up against me, gristly
beard on my face, coolly
saying, you shouldn’t be alone in a place like this

I wondered, where was
mom on a day like this, where
clouds would high and
pink syrup drip to my white teeshirt.

Not that good. Sad though... I wonder why my pieces are suddenly so sexually troubled.

oy

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 00:40:06 GMT

*smiles awkwardly beneath the hand on her face*

oy.

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 00:42:42 GMT

I remember that morning.

The outline of the dusty blue mountains
etched out by the weary grey haze,
like God’s hand telling me not to look
The dry brown field admittedly ours.

The shadows were still long
as you mounted your horse,
the one colored milk-chocolate.

I was wearing the old dusty blue dress
and you took one last look
before you took off

As your hair waved goodbye
I envied your effortless thin figure
as you rode away,
it was too painful to watch.

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 03:42:52 GMT

yuck. Everything sucks lately. It hurts to type. I am in such a bad mood.

When I think about it now my past week has been super crappy. Looking at what's happened to my friends is crappy (not a big enough word, I know), and then I had lots of my own crap.

I didn't get into Oberlin today. I got on a whole defensive tangent about how my standardized test scores are above their average, my teacher recs rocked, and I rather think my essays rocked, which leaves only one possibility: my grades weren't good enough. So maybe I shouldn't have taken such the advanced classes or gone to this good school, and I could've had the extra .5 to your lusted-after 4.0. I dunno.
I guess this puts the cap on the fact that I don't get it. I don't get how people use those god damned little planners to get all their stuff remembered, and I don't get how they always seem to know how to do the assignment for 100% when....goodness, I shouldn't say such things.

I dunno. I think I'm smart enough, I try to get organized enough, I feel motivated enough, and then I don't get the grades. Whatever.

I feel like shit.

and I need to sort through the dream I had last night.

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 00:59:34 GMT

This one gets a name. lol.

Originally I was going to write to Mozart, but then I realized it wasn't his fault:

Dear KVOD,
Sometimes composers did things for the money. Usually, that stuff ...word? ...sucked.
Mozart's "Les Petits Riens" is a prime example.
Playing crap like this reinforces the idea that classical music (especially under the name of my dear Mozart) sucks among most people, and embarrasses we who love the genre.
Please don't kill us.

Sincerely,
A concerned listener

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 03:24:32 GMT

Light more graciously uninvited
strain ing inside in-the-door's stained glass,
tea ly ing unused on the desk, it's guest
beg ging dismissal into the kitchen

_Red ore tiled sink,
white in the in side,
_bird on the out side
look ing in charming ly

Out doors a breathable p a r a d i s e
bird on the out side,
bird from the in side drin king
___from the golden fountain
would rather tea

________________________________

thar she blows. Written about two weeks ago, finished editting (maybe) today. lemme know whatcha think.

I wish I'd saved it at different intervals of revision to ask people's opinions on which is overkill/boring/just-right etc. ...but then again, I've already gotten the opinion of the only person who'll really tell me something.

I realized I like editting better than beginning poems. I never like what I start with and sometimes it's painful to see what's there before revision. this one began as a way to look busy in chemistry for a couple seconds.

and......thas all. Comments are appreciated especially if you have something you like/dislike/anything insightful.

________________________________________
p.s. CRASH WON BEST FILM! :) :) :)

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 05:28:32 GMT

I really do think it's getting worse again. I can't really get through to you about it, either...it's like it's too painful to admit, or you'd rather have it be part of your life. I don't get it but I can hope that you'll decide fight...what am I saying? I kindof get it. I've known myself and a few other people with something similar to know the general nature of these things. We have very similar weaknesses, and frankly, I hope I have a better time stepping out of my demons than you have.

In the meantime I need to learn how to handle myself around this. It turns out I can actually yell. It's amazing that I don't do it with anyone else and it's so rare even between us, but it still seems to come so easily. There's no good reason for me to yell because you're not saying rational things anyway. I'm so ashamed of that.

I suppose it'll be good for me to learn how to control my temper - rare as it is - under this situation, rather than with someone who'll remember anything of it in the morning.

In other news, lol.
I got back a couple hours ago from the big WI trip. I feel wonderful. His parents are great people and I hear they liked me, which is very important to me. His dogs are hilarious little buggers and his cats are fun to have a dialogue with...I'll have some discretion and not divulge my opinion on the bird :). *indistinct muttering*
Benjamin Shapira is an amazing performer, conductor, and personal teacher, and I'm glad that they're close. His room is awesomeness and his art is very impressive.

Oh, and his smile is more adorable every time I see it.

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 03:46:00 GMT

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Embodee
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Embodee

pwease! :)

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 21:46:31 GMT

I don't know why I thought I liked you. I thought you were cool because you were older...was that all? That along with the fact that you played your instrument well made me respect you, I guess...I wonder if you ever respected me. You seem the kind of person who judges based on accomplishments, and compared to the people you associate with and consider yourself to be, I was nothing special.
I wonder if you even cared sometimes. I wonder if I did.
I wonder if it was out of cowardice that you didn't say goodbye before you left, ...or if you even see anything wrong with that.
You were such a mistake.
I'm glad you never tried to talk to me again though.

p.s. you kiss badly.

Wedding tomorrow and tomorrow's tomorrow...ugh. We won't have practiced enough, but eh, gigs=integrity+money.

time to be honest.

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 06:51:14 GMT

I HAVE A CRUSH ON *ediiiit ediit* WHEN I SHOULDN'T.
There. fine.
Now to deal with the shit that comes with it.

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 02:39:14 GMT

I hope you're not hurt that we've fallen out of touch, and that it was mostly my doing. We're not much of a part of eachother's lives anymore, realistically...these things happen. :( I wish I had expressed better how much I love you.
You're just so.......there's no one I've met who comes near to you. You made me feel alive so much - it makes it sound like I was in love with you - which I'm sure isn't hard for people to do, though I don't swing that way. :) I just...
we're not the same religion. At ALL lol...our beliefs/the people that follow them actually tend to be particularly intolerant toward one another. But you might be the person with whom I've most ever felt spiritually connected. You said we were soulmates...what a HUGE compliment.
You awakened a whole part to me that I had no idea was there. You taught me to listen. You taught me to breathe. You taught me to be calm and peaceful and relaxed, even when we're running around and cracking up.
I hope you're well, and your family, and that things aren't too tough with...things. Maybe our paths will cross again in the future, if we both decide to go to CU, or something...we definitely met once before becoming friends. Maybe it's fate.

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 19:10:17 GMT

so Amanda recently did this thing in which she talked to someone on her lj without mentioning their name. I realized that there are some things I've wanted to say to people who wouldn't listen, and I don't really feel like saying stuff to other people. so here goes.

I don't think you believe that I loved you, and that makes me sad. I know that I didn't know you well enough and wasn't close enough with you to love you in the best way, but I did really care about you. It makes me wonder if you believed that to make yourself feel better about not caring me...but I think you did somehow.

We didn't know eachother... I did get a better handle on your tendencies than most people do. I enjoyed being able to tell people what you were probably up to when you weren't around, and being able to predict your reactions to some things. I couldn't always.......hardly EVER predicted them right actually, even if it was better than most.

Maybe the only affinity I ever felt with you was a gut instinct. There are a few people on this Earth who I've just looked at, in their eyes that is, and felt some kind of deep understanding for. I thought it was there....maybe you have that effect on everyone and I made the mistake of thinking it was special.

You're still fascinating to me. You're so different from other people I've known, which might have to do with how I get to know the most people I do and their commanilities, or maybe you're just an enigma period. You're so mature in ways they aren't and so behind in being socially mature...you'll think I don't know, but I do know the way we've interacted over time, and looking at it it's kind of silly.

You're still a mystery to me, and probably one that will never be solved. Over the years of being in contact I thought that I might get to a better understanding, and as I haven't I've started wondering if you really want most people - including me - to understand you.

You admitted once that you didn't know me, but I get the feeling you make assumptions about me anyway. Sometimes I write and think "[your name] is going to think this is stupid of me" and wonder if I really care or not. I think you think I'm course, inauthentic maybe, but I feel that you really just don't know at all. I wish you did know better than to make those conclusions, but we'll probably never be in much contact again, and even if we were I think you've made up your mind not to let me in.

Why do I want in, anyway? What was it that you've done to me to make me so interested? I wonder how much it was the time of life for me, or how things played out, and how much is you or us.

I don't know what I want from this.

I suppose I wish I could undo the impression you have of me, fumbling and stuttering around you, being ignorant about art back when I didn't understand it, being young and foolish...but the past is passed.

It will probably piss you off. Couldn't say why, but if I know you at all...something will bother you.

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 22:24:16 GMT

I never know how to start these things. lol.

...it was Christmas? And I got stuff. A red peacoat (haven't decided if I'll switch it out for black yet, opinions?), a Dooney and Bourke purse, which despite the skankho and/or high brow connotations I will try to enjoy, and lots of SOCKS! :) And chucks from Blice, and a CD from Cameron.......blahst, I was gunna send him a CD for Christmas too, but then I figgered that he never sends me anything. blahst. And cool earrings and sunglasses and necklaces :) And good books, and money and gift certificates, and I am such a spoiled child. :)

The Bible does some wonderful kind of brainwashing for me. lol. Actually what I'm thinking of is more of a mood washing. I forget to be depressed after I read it.

CHECK IT OUT:
If you like classical music OR world music OR even movie soundtracks and have an open mind, check out the Silk Road Ensemble. It kicks possum bottom.
If you like poetry, Marianne Moore all the way.
Poetry

I, too, dislike it: there are things that are important beyond
all this fiddle.
Reading it, however, with a perfect contempt for it, one
discovers in
it after all, a place for the genuine.
Hands that can grasp, eyes
that can dilate, hair that can rise
if it must, these things are important not because a

high-sounding interpretation can be put upon them but because
they are
useful. When they become so derivative as to become
unintelligible,
the same thing may be said for all of us, that we
do not admire what
we cannot understand: the bat
holding on upside down or in quest of something to

eat, elephants pushing, a wild horse taking a roll, a tireless
wolf under
a tree, the immovable critic twitching his skin like a horse
that feels a flea, the base-
ball fan, the statistician--
nor is it valid
to discriminate against "business documents and

school-books"; all these phenomena are important. One must make
a distinction
however: when dragged into prominence by half poets, the
result is not poetry,
nor till the poets among us can be
"literalists of
the imagination"--above
insolence and triviality and can present

for inspection, "imaginary gardens with real toads in them,"
shall we have
it. In the meantime, if you demand on the one hand,
the raw material of poetry in
all its rawness and
that which is on the other hand
genuine, you are interested in poetry.

In the beginning of 2005---
Did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: i felt lonely *emo tear*
How old were you?: 17
What was your outlook on the world?: "I want to change...I think I'm changing...have I changed at all?"
How were you doing at school/your job?: my grades were okay, I was kindof trying.
What did you most look forward to?: summer, Rocky Ridge
Did you make New Year's Resolutions?: I tend not to do those
What was your biggest worry?: wondering if I was fooling myself, maybe, unless this is my current self projecting back
What did you do with your spare time?: wrote, played piano, painted, hung out with friends, layed around.
What did you do for fun?: go out with friends, go out for reading or coffee or walking by meself

In the middle of 2005---
Did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: unfortunately.
Had your outlook on the world changed?: Yeah, a bit. I was greatful for some things I've never been, and discovering new things/parts of myself
What did you spend your summer doing?: Rocky Ridge! Traveling to Canada and New England! :) did I go somewhere in the first week, too? I dun remember
Did you get tan?: a bit
Who'd you hang out with, mainly?: Margot, Joey, Philip, Megan Lineberry, Ben and Hannah and Allison and Manda when I was home
Did you go visit anywhere?: oh yeah, Virginia, New York, Pennsylvania, Montreal
What was your biggest worry?: perhaps what would happen when I came down from all the fun times
What was the most fun event that happened?: oh man, I don't know. the giant massage-line after a hike at camp comes to mind...that was funny. the hikes were fun, bridge was fun, Montreal is a really cool city.... i dunno

Now, the end of 2005---
Still got a significant other?: not still, but YES! :)
How old are you?: 17
What major changes have happened since the year began?: I've discovered communication with others, learned how to admit my faults and take actual joy in working them through, gotten closer with God, gotten closer with friends, get along better with me mum quite a bit, and have a wonderful boyfriend.
What thing that happened stands out in your mind?: the summer is just one crazy haze to me.
What was the most embarrassing moment?: don't go there. do not. go there. lol
Your lowest point?: I dunno... there were a couple awful nights over the summer, nothing that I want to or should be explained/
Are you happy with how the year went?: Yeah, I am. Certain things that I'd like to see change haven't, but a bunch o' stuff I hardly knew existed is now part of my life, and that's exciting.
What thing would you change if you could?: I don't feel like questioning the fabric of existence at the moment, lol

For 2006---
What do you plan to not do that you did this year?: be lazy
Do you think it'll be WORSE than this year?: I hope not, though I'd have to say this was a pretty good year
What are your pre-New Year's resolutions?: huh. Being less lazy overall, perhaps.

oh and uhhm...login.

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 18:33:58 GMT

I have to get this off my chest.

My mom really drives me INSANE sometimes...this morning being one of them. She's running around the house full of energy and happiness, cleaning things up and baking things and blahasjhf. I asked her why to see what her response would be, and she said, "Because it's Christmas Eve!" That might have something to do with it, but overall, she's completely lying to herself. It's because she had wine last night again, plain and simple.

I cannot. Describe. How miserable it makes me. That her happiest times are these mornings. Complaining about last night and getting a cheery "oh...I'm sorry!" in reply makes me SO. Angry.

I really hate that she's so dictated by moods, rather than a balance with reason.

I don't get angry often, but this reaaallly gets to me...and I have to wonder why it does over so much else. I think I know the general reason - I see parts of her in myself, and it's a lot easier to get angry in what I see the other person doing than me. I really hate the things she does wrong...I really hate that I do them too. We have so many of the same faults.

There's a thing with small lies. Not big ones, not blatant ones...just lots of easy ones. Things like...oh, the other day when my grandma took me shopping, she said she needed to take me to get clothes because my "mother said she doesn't have time." It's small and stupid, but it's there - this means that my mom had a conversation with Grandma that let her believe that she would "take me shopping" if she had time. Which is bullshit - both my mom and I know perfectly well that when I need clothes I get/ask for money and go and do it myself.
Part of that, too, I think, is the way that my mom tries idealizes my grandma so much (in that, if Grandma assumes that she would take me shopping, it must be right). Cute, in a way, but also unhealthy...for example, my grandma does crosswords, we go over to her house and see her do some, and for the next week or so my mom is doing crosswords, and if asked she wouldn't realize that it's because she's imitating this image, but because she's practiced in lying to herself, she'd think she just really wanted to. Which is, again, bullshit.

And I can't think of examples, but I know I do the same thing. It's just so bluddy stupid. Is it worth it to want to change this kind of action, or is it just inevitable to an extent? If someone I might not know I idealize wears a yellow shirt, and I wear a yellow shirt the next day and possibly see some connection which I may or may not ever notice, is that worth worrying about? I dunno, but the kind of thing pisses me off.

Stupid as this may sound, I think it relates to our occasional ditziness - because we bewilder ourselves so much with lies and stretching of the truth, we forget ourselves what is really going on and can't hold onto the real information.

That's miserable.

I think of the way Briana Ramage looked at Ms. Newson, when we stayed back and talked with her a couple times. Ms. Newson is a wonderful woman, but she's not God, and I could really sense from a couple kids in the class that that was the attitude they had toward her. It makes me sad - one can't appreciate another person for being a wonderful person when they're expecting God from them. I hope I didn't do/think the same thing and just learn to hide it better than they did.

dhskdlgfsdhgklsdgnskdl

the point is, I don't want to make myself blind like my mom has. I don't know how to do it...maybe I just have to wait and ...try to try.

I can think of the people who will read this and say to themselves, "aww, Emily and her mom aren't nearly that evil!" and I can think of the people that will think, "Yeah, you're both miserable liars." They're both pissing me off currently. How can someone think they have another person figured out when no one even knows themselves?...Am I doing this about Mom, or do I really know her well enough to see this clearly?

I wish Ben or Amanda or Brice or someone reasonable were here to talk to.

I wish someone would wade through that hellish mess and tell me what isn't rational, and where something of value lies. That would be really really wonderful.